I used to be guilty & ashamed about my binge eating
A wave of relief washed over me the other day as I was driving home.
I was sitting at traffic lights and glanced over at a bakery that I’d visited before.
It was back in the time that I was completely out of control with my eating!
Most people would never even realise that I used to be a serial secret binge eater.
Seeing this bakery bought back flashes of the angst, frustration, guilt, shame, anger and hollowness I used to feel. Those endless games and stories that I’d play in my head.
In this case the games started as soon as I got in the car to go get ‘my next fix’.
I was raging at myself, criticising and hurling judgement for what I was about to do!
I’d even try and trick myself out of it with games like “If I can’t find a car spot, clearly it’s a sign to stop Amanda”…. Yet I’d keep going round in circles until I could find one.
The games continued when I walked into the shop.
I’d be looking at the case, working out what I was going to order… Almost tasting it already…
Along with the guilt and conflict about what I was going to do….
This isn’t who I wanted to be! Smashing this food isn’t going to help me lose weight or my health/fitness goals that I so desperately wanted so why on earth was I even here? But my mean girl kept egging me on telling me all of the reasons I should and drowned out that sensible part of me.
I’d be so torn and desperate.
Hoping my will power was going to kick in and I’d turn around and walk out…
Then the lady asked me what I’d like.
I’d get what I wanted, stop and pause and ‘pretend to think about what my friend had wanted’…
I was so worried she’d judge me so if I ordered more maybe she’d think I’m sharing it.
I’d continue the charade with stupid lines like “Hmm I hope I got their order right”.
Ugh the self judgement and games right!
The lady doesn’t care or even notice, she’s about serving the customers in her shop!
But the games and self torture didn’t stop there.
I’d fight with myself about waiting until I got home so at least this time I could enjoy it…
It rarely worked. The first bite that I succumbed to would always be bliss!
But then I’d get to the end and wonder where on earth it just went?
It’s taken the edge off… The dread and resignation are starting to kick in and I still don’t stop!
Heck I’ve got 1.5 meals to go!
Even though I wasn’t hungry anymore I kept punishing myself and making myself eat it!
Hating myself that I wasn’t strong enough and here again.
Hating that no matter what I tried I couldn’t get out of this loop.
Vowing that I was never going to let this happen again.
After a while I’d just go numb.
I’ve now finished the vanilla slice, time for the caramel slice.
I’d feel sick, my tummy hurt, it was bloated, I felt like crap…
But hey, as my hubby says “Amanda you can be so stubborn sometimes” (he’s so lucky right!) 🙊
So being the champion I was I finished. Feeling horrible, dejected and defeated!
I’d hide the ‘evidence’ and come dinner time pretend like I hadn’t just eaten my days worth of calories in one sitting. I couldn’t admit it because the embarrassment, anguish and shame was too strong!
That night I’d be so restless. Physically for all of the crap I just ate.
Mentally stressing and anguishing over how I can burn it off.
Spending countless wasted hours I can never get back;
Researching harsh and extreme diets or programs to undo my damage.
Hoping that this time, this ‘program’ would be the magic bullet I was looking for!
I’d drift off to sleep with the shame, guilt and feeling of failure.
Wondering what on earth was wrong with me and wondering why I couldn’t stop!
And as I drove past this bakery; I realised that I haven’t done that for a very long time now!
Does it mean that I’ve never succumbed or fallen off the wagon! Hell’s no!
I am NOT one of those Trainers/Coaches that walks on water and does no wrong 😉
(haha you know the ones I’m talking about… And then they make you feel like shit when you are human and slip up! I think we’ve ALL had one of them before right! *shuddering*)
However now instead of being out of control;
Instead of battling, fighting and always loosing with myself;
Instead of playing all of the stupid meaningless games and kidding myself;
With a lot of really positive effort I have been able to flip things around.
I use mindfulness and being present!
I call on different tools and resources to help me in the moment;
But the real kicker is I realised these episodes were NEVER about the food.
Something had always triggered me.
I was trying to avoid something, feeling a certain way or doing something that I wasn’t aligned with or feeling comfortable about. It was a way for me to switch off, go numb and try and “deal with it”….
Which standing back it’s so sad my way to ‘deal with something’ I’m clearly struggling with I resorted to hurting myself, being so mean and unkind to myself and my body. 😢
(By the way know there is NO JUDGEMENT if you relate, I’m sure you feel the same way too!)
I’ve also realised that for me to truly get on top of this I need to catch it before it starts!
Over time I’ve realised that once I’m in the moment (aka a pshyco chocolate addict that will either slap you or eat your arm off if you try and stop me!) it’s too late 9.9/10 times!
I described it to hubby once that it literally feels like I’m drowning and barely treading water.
In those moments I’m too far gone and overwhelmed to make hard decisions and stop.
That’s not to say I can’t turn that around and continue to work on that!
However it’s about being really realistic with where I’m at right now!
I think this is huge and something we all need to be reminded of!
I was sitting at traffic lights and glanced over at a bakery that I’d visited before.
It was back in the time that I was completely out of control with my eating!
Most people would never even realise that I used to be a serial secret binge eater.
Seeing this bakery bought back flashes of the angst, frustration, guilt, shame, anger and hollowness I used to feel. Those endless games and stories that I’d play in my head.
In this case the games started as soon as I got in the car to go get ‘my next fix’.
I was raging at myself, criticising and hurling judgement for what I was about to do!
I’d even try and trick myself out of it with games like “If I can’t find a car spot, clearly it’s a sign to stop Amanda”…. Yet I’d keep going round in circles until I could find one.
The games continued when I walked into the shop.
I’d be looking at the case, working out what I was going to order… Almost tasting it already…
Along with the guilt and conflict about what I was going to do….
This isn’t who I wanted to be! Smashing this food isn’t going to help me lose weight or my health/fitness goals that I so desperately wanted so why on earth was I even here? But my mean girl kept egging me on telling me all of the reasons I should and drowned out that sensible part of me.
I’d be so torn and desperate.
Hoping my will power was going to kick in and I’d turn around and walk out…
Then the lady asked me what I’d like.
I’d get what I wanted, stop and pause and ‘pretend to think about what my friend had wanted’…
I was so worried she’d judge me so if I ordered more maybe she’d think I’m sharing it.
I’d continue the charade with stupid lines like “Hmm I hope I got their order right”.
Ugh the self judgement and games right!
The lady doesn’t care or even notice, she’s about serving the customers in her shop!
But the games and self torture didn’t stop there.
I’d fight with myself about waiting until I got home so at least this time I could enjoy it…
It rarely worked. The first bite that I succumbed to would always be bliss!
But then I’d get to the end and wonder where on earth it just went?
It’s taken the edge off… The dread and resignation are starting to kick in and I still don’t stop!
Heck I’ve got 1.5 meals to go!
Even though I wasn’t hungry anymore I kept punishing myself and making myself eat it!
Hating myself that I wasn’t strong enough and here again.
Hating that no matter what I tried I couldn’t get out of this loop.
Vowing that I was never going to let this happen again.
After a while I’d just go numb.
I’ve now finished the vanilla slice, time for the caramel slice.
I’d feel sick, my tummy hurt, it was bloated, I felt like crap…
But hey, as my hubby says “Amanda you can be so stubborn sometimes” (he’s so lucky right!) 🙊
So being the champion I was I finished. Feeling horrible, dejected and defeated!
I’d hide the ‘evidence’ and come dinner time pretend like I hadn’t just eaten my days worth of calories in one sitting. I couldn’t admit it because the embarrassment, anguish and shame was too strong!
That night I’d be so restless. Physically for all of the crap I just ate.
Mentally stressing and anguishing over how I can burn it off.
Spending countless wasted hours I can never get back;
Researching harsh and extreme diets or programs to undo my damage.
Hoping that this time, this ‘program’ would be the magic bullet I was looking for!
I’d drift off to sleep with the shame, guilt and feeling of failure.
Wondering what on earth was wrong with me and wondering why I couldn’t stop!
And as I drove past this bakery; I realised that I haven’t done that for a very long time now!
Does it mean that I’ve never succumbed or fallen off the wagon! Hell’s no!
I am NOT one of those Trainers/Coaches that walks on water and does no wrong 😉
(haha you know the ones I’m talking about… And then they make you feel like shit when you are human and slip up! I think we’ve ALL had one of them before right! *shuddering*)
However now instead of being out of control;
Instead of battling, fighting and always loosing with myself;
Instead of playing all of the stupid meaningless games and kidding myself;
With a lot of really positive effort I have been able to flip things around.
I use mindfulness and being present!
I call on different tools and resources to help me in the moment;
But the real kicker is I realised these episodes were NEVER about the food.
Something had always triggered me.
I was trying to avoid something, feeling a certain way or doing something that I wasn’t aligned with or feeling comfortable about. It was a way for me to switch off, go numb and try and “deal with it”….
Which standing back it’s so sad my way to ‘deal with something’ I’m clearly struggling with I resorted to hurting myself, being so mean and unkind to myself and my body. 😢
(By the way know there is NO JUDGEMENT if you relate, I’m sure you feel the same way too!)
I’ve also realised that for me to truly get on top of this I need to catch it before it starts!
Over time I’ve realised that once I’m in the moment (aka a pshyco chocolate addict that will either slap you or eat your arm off if you try and stop me!) it’s too late 9.9/10 times!
I described it to hubby once that it literally feels like I’m drowning and barely treading water.
In those moments I’m too far gone and overwhelmed to make hard decisions and stop.
That’s not to say I can’t turn that around and continue to work on that!
However it’s about being really realistic with where I’m at right now!
I think this is huge and something we all need to be reminded of!
SO OFTEN we all jump ahead and compare ourselves to the END goal!
The ‘perfect eater’ or the ‘perfect fitness junkie’ or whatever…
But the reality is we’re not even crawling yet so comparing & expecting that of ourselves isn’t fair, manageable or real! It’s just another game or form of sabotage we’re playing!
So I’ve worked on realising what my triggers are!
And thankfully I’ve realised that rather than them being these humongous things, it’s actually the little things! (Just like I teach & remind my clients!)
Things like;
Have you had enough sleep?
Are you drinking enough water?
What have you been eating?
Am I stressed?
Is something going on with my relationships (friends, family, colleagues)?
Am I worried about something?
Have I had some ME TIME if I’ve been flat out and busy?
Because again all of these things have a MASSIVE impact on our health!
Physically AND MENTALLY! Yet so often we don’t give them the attention or credit they deserve!
(And the fitness industry hasn’t helped! There to busy talking about superficial stuff like how many push-ups you can do or are you in ketoisis yet! It drives me nuts 😡…
But it’s also why I’m so passionate about keeping it real and applying common sense! 💕)
So much has changed for me from those days.
I know if on that day you had said “Amanda you can get on top of it”;
I would have thrown all of my money at you saying please fix me!
But here’s the thing.. And this is keeping it BRUTALLY REAL!
No one else can fix this for you!
You’ve got to work out what’s going on for YOU!
Yes you can absolutely get support, guidance, accountability along the way!
(Cause heck I know how freaking hard it is on our own; not trusting yourself with what’s right for you, second guessing yourself! It’s exhausting and overwhelming!)
Yes you can learn tools, find resources and different methods to deal with it!
But it needs to be about what YOU NEED!
Not someone else’s bells and whistles program… It won’t cure you.. It’s just a band aid!
There isn’t one size fits all and just because it worked for them, doesn’t mean it will work for you!
Seriously, we’ve been down that path so many times before and it would have worked if it was meant to!
If you want to change it, it needs to start with you!
(And I would LOVE to help you on that journey if it’s something you’re ready for!) but I really want you to know the answer isn’t about you going on another diet, quick fix or fad!
You need to discover what’s going to work for YOU! Your lifestyle, for your body, your way!
You are strong, you are incredible and YOU’VE GOT THIS!
I realise this is a long email & pretty deep so thank you for getting to the end!
And thank you for being such an amazing community to allow me to feel safe in sharing!
I think the more real, vulnerable and genuine we can be and sharing our stories it will help us all!
Knowing that you don’t have to white knuckle or grit your teeth through it can be empowering!
If this has resonated or helped you at all I’d love to hear from you!
Have a lovely weekend with friends, family and loved ones!
So Much Love & HUGE SQUEEZY HUGS!
Love Amanda xx
P.S. Whenever you’re ready… here are 3 ways I can help you achieve your health & fitness goals:
1. My Free Private Facebook Group where I share tips and advice on all things health & fitness.
2. My low cost Monthly Membership where the amazing community & I give you accountability & support to stay on track!
(I’m revamping this when I’m back from my snowboarding trip to include even more access to me which means the price is going to go up x 2.5 times! Jump in now to lock in the super low rate forever!)
3. Work with me 1:1 online to get so much Amanda love to ensure you succeed and achieve those health & fitness goals you so deeply crave! 💜